Mar 26, 2009

E's flowers


My son brings me flowers. Every afternoon, his babysitter takes him for a walk in the nearby playground. He meets his posse there, and they conjure battles of laughter and castles of sand.
Some days, I creep up to the fence and spy on him, unaware of me in his carefree frolic. He then senses me, somehow, and he laughs running to me, bewildered.

Every day, he returns home from the playground with a sweaty wad of wild flowers for me. The first thing his melodious little voice squeals as he bursts through the door is ,"Mamma, fiorellini per te!," mommy, little flowers for you. Every day, the same sweet ritual: we toss out the dead ones with a kiss and replace them with the new ones in a small Moroccan shot glass filled with Roman, mineral-rich tap water. Every day, my son brings me flowers. My son, mio figlio. Anyone who has kids, knows what it feels like every time those two words surface on our lips. A whispered miracle.
This is a small note I wrote upon discovering I was pregnant with E., my son. In the 9 months of pregnancy I left it suspended and came back to it occasionally, updating its contents, and finally wrote the ending on the night before my scheduled C-section.

I smile now, re-reading it. It is a child speaking to another.

A miracle happened, it was that afternoon of sun, love and tears,
the last time I made love to your father.
That's when you happened. When you chose me.
Sun, ocean, light, ecstasy, words of love and promises of memory.
Africa blessed us.
The sky smiled.
The wave crashed.
The flowers winked.
A gust of wind moved the branch.
A distant seagull soared and brought the plan of you.
Dropped you off in my womb and life began within me.

My nipples are not burnt-sienna.
My bump doesn't sport the dark line down the middle.
My skin is incredibly soft now. My nails, falcon talons. Hair silky and smooth.
The libido's subsided, I thought I was going insane at one point.
The hunger has shifted from sex to food. I want lots of it now, and all smothered in butter. I crave not chocolate, but frothy Guinness.
I pee every 30 seconds.
My ankles swell and my lips are constantly chapped.

But I love it.
I love feeling as you move within me. A flutter of bird's wings.
I love seeing you on the ultrasound screen, turning away and showing the doctor your wee ass.
I love you, E.
I have become secondary. You, my promise, have won first place.
You are my happiness and my worry.
I have always been afraid of pain, of needles, of disease, terrorized by the unsung spasms of labor.
Now I live to avoid you pain.

You will be a man, one day.
A wonderful man. One who brings flowers.
I'll try to make you happy. Show you the beauty of life and the world whole.
I'll always be there for you. Mio piccolo cuore.
You are the most important part of me. My reason. My life. My completion.
My son.
I smile every time I think of you. Your every slight move, makes me laugh out loud.

Are you speaking to me, from inside?
Are you comfortable?
Are you bored? Are you warm enough in there?
Do I crush you when I sleep, rolling to one side?
Do you have feelings?
Do you love me?

Happy Love Thursday

24 comments:

  1. Yes, that is it exactly, cara Lola.♥

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  2. Che bello... Your son is lucky to have you. And you him.

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  3. Beautiful in it's simplicity! I smiled while I read. Yes, I relate. I actually wrote a letter to my daughter when she was in the womb and read it for the first time in awhile. Again, simply beautiful...

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  4. There's a letter you both will treasure... beautiful!

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  5. How sweet that he brings you a bouquet everyday. Now that is love.

    Happy Love Thursday!

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  6. Thank you ladies, for your warm comments, I treasure each. Children rock our world! I started writing, blogging and being a better person in general, thanks to that little tike. Ciao!

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  7. The story of the fiorellini ritual is soooo lovely, but that pregnancy note squeezed my heart to pieces. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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  8. Awww - such a sweetie.
    Your story reminded me of my youngest daughter's. She had just the same blessing. A son. A wonderful son. She's in the army and a single mom and overseas - so we get to have him for 15 months. Eight months have passed, we are loving every minute.

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  9. and now you made me weep. yes, mi figlio, and my baby, my child. I love so much that you are living and loving every moment. little fistfulls of grubby flowers were always my best gift too. we are so blessed. Hug e for me.

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  10. What a lovely tribute dedicated to your Son.
    Mi piace tanto di trovare al tuo blog. Spero di leggerti a prestissimo.
    Felice Giovedi anche a te.
    CiaCiao~

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  11. Aaah yes, Lola. That beautiful tribute to your beautiful son sings with such shining, sparkling resonance for all of us women who have been allowed the priceless treasure of a child. Exquisite...and it is for E. Your son. Your boy. Your little man.

    I'm smiling, too, for you - for E, for us.

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  12. What incredible sweetness.

    E is indeed a masterpiece. And you, mi amica (correct?), are a great artist.

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  13. How sweet for you to share something so intimate. What a beautiful love you and your son share. Simply, sweetly wonderful!

    Happy Love Thursday!

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  14. Absolutely lovely!

    Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story, and for nurturing such a beautiful soul so that he may go out into the world someday and bring his light and love to others.

    Happy Love Thursday!

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  15. Lola, this made me cry! What sweetness and happiness, a mother's love, a child's love.
    Brava.

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  16. You dear. And to have it grow (your poem) organically over your term, the patience that must have taken, the extension of your love, breathtaking.

    And the flowers...can't wait for it all again this year. Now, to get rid of this snow.

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  17. Marie - Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)
    Susan - You're a lucky and generous Grandma, and must be very proud of your courageous daughter.
    Lori - Right back at you! Big hugs.
    Nihal - You're welcome here anytime. Grazie for your kind words!
    Tessa - That's lovely, thank you so much.
    Payzahn - Amica mia, grazie very much!
    Maryann - Grazie cara.
    Katie - Thank you for stopping by to say that!
    Sujatha - I'm happy. And very lucky, yes.
    Cam - Thank you for your kind words.
    Rosaria - Grazie, mothers rock.
    Erin - They're there, budding beneath the blanket of snow, a promise of Spring.

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  18. This is too beautiful for words. I never wanted to have children and never did, but your post almost makes me wish I had. Your son is a very luck boy and you too, are hugely blessed, I think :-)

    So glad you found my blog so I could find yours.

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  19. Vanilla~ I never thought I'd have kids either. Then I started wishing I did, but was told it would be complicated. Taa daa, E. came along! Thank you for your sweet words, I am touched by such intensity. And I am very happy to have found you too.

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